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lacrossedude987
10-06-2005, 05:23 PM
Yeah i wrote this for english and would like any help :agree:
(Paragraph)= Where paragraph starts

(Paragraph) I was staring into a bus full of soldiers, there was my uncle waving at me and my cousins and as I saw his face leave my sight I wondered, “Will I ever see him again?” He sat down in his seat and just stared out the window. He had a look on his face like I had never seen before, a look of determination and fearlessness. In the back of my mind I knew he would come home, I just knew it.
(Paragraph) We stood there on the curb. We didn’t know what to do so we just stood there. My cousins were hugging and were being cradled by my aunt’s hand. You could tell she was hurt but she knew she had to be strong for her kids.
(Paragraph) We had just been in a gym full of men who were going half across the world to defend our freedom and our country. There were young kids, the elderly, and all the in between. Everyone was there next to their soldier just staring at them not wanting them to leave even though we all knew it was reality.
(Paragraph) My uncle had tried to keep calm. He had showed us all of his equipment and his gun. He was just trying to keep all of us from thinking about him leaving. It didn’t work. You could tell by the look of my aunt’s face that she was terribly hurting inside. This was because she had already gone through this once in Desert Storm and for him to leave a second time hurt twice as bad.
(Paragraph) When his face disappeared around the corner of the cobblestone building, his face was burned into my mind. My uncle was going to fight for what was right and I felt proud of him and for what he has done. My uncle is fighting so that I can go to school everyday and be able to play outside. Things like this are not our rights, they are our privileges given to us by men like him.

Diesel4958
10-06-2005, 05:59 PM
I think you indent where you don't need to, try not to use the word thing. More detail could be used, in a moment like that I'm sure you remember every little detail. Overall it sounds pretty good.

laxman359
10-06-2005, 06:45 PM
way too choppy make it flow better

Garor
10-06-2005, 07:43 PM
I'm just going to point out the things I think could be worked on. It's good so far.


(Paragraph) My cousins were hugging and were being cradled by my aunt’s hand. You could tell she was hurt but she knew she had to be strong for her kids.


Your piece is in a few different tenses. Make sure everything is happening either in the past or in the present. Hugging is hugged or cradling is cradled. One tense throughout the whole piece.

You could tell by the look of my aunt’s face that she was terribly hurting inside. This was because she had already gone through this once in Desert Storm and for him to leave a second time hurt twice as bad.

"this was because" is a repetative statement. It takes the emotion out of that statement and makes it seem more historical and outdated. If you leave that out and simple say: I could tell by the look in my aunt's face that she was hurting terribly inside. She had already gone through this with Desert Storm, and for him to leave again hurt even more.

I wouldn't use "you" I would use "I" in that instance, because you are telling this event to us. And "twice as much" seems like you can put a number on this unimaginable feeling.


These are just suggestion though. It really is a good piece. Hope I helped.

HdGLaxWarrior
10-06-2005, 07:46 PM
Wow, that's deep.

Way too choppy. But other than that it's awesome.

lacrossedude987
10-06-2005, 07:48 PM
wow thanks for the help Im only in 8th grade......

JoshM
10-06-2005, 07:52 PM
I didn't read the previous comments.


it does not flow at all.
do not use contractions. don't == do not. can't == can not
in high school, this can kill you

you are missing some commas.
Your paragraphs are short.

I guess it's not bad for an 8th grader though :)

atacklax
10-06-2005, 07:57 PM
It's nice. Is that fiction, or a real story? But yeah, it seems pretty good except for that you kind of jump around a bit and it doesn't flow as well as it could.
EDIT: Okay, for suggestions, try not to keep jumping from subject to subject.

lacrossedude987
10-06-2005, 07:58 PM
Yeah its true and PLEASE make suggestion on HOW to improve flow

zak
10-06-2005, 10:15 PM
Again, you are in 8th grade. DOnt kill yourself over flow. It takes time. Buy The Elements of Style by (something) Strunk and E.B. White. Best book about writing ever. Even if it comes across as preachy.

Ill take a swing at it, no school tomorrow, trip to the Chesapeake so ive got nothing to do.

(Paragraph) I was staring into a bus full of soldiers. My uncle was waving at my cousins and I. As I saw his face leave my sight I wondered, “will I ever see him again?” He sat down in his seat and just stared out the window. He had a look on his face I had never seen before, a look of determination and fearlessness. In the back of my mind I knew he would come home, I just knew it.

John and I, my dog and I etc.
If a two ideas are unrelated seperate them with a PERIOD not a COMMA. Your first sentence is a run on.
You dont need to capitalize a quote in the middle of a sentence.
Take out like. It has no place in writing. Ever. (outside of aim)

(Paragraph) We stood there on the curb. We didn’t know what to do so we just stood there. My cousins hugged as my aunt cradled them in her arms. You could tell she was hurt but she knew she had to be strong for her kids.
Aunts hand sounds awkward. Are they 5 inches tall? Can she really cradle them in her hand?
On the ital: this just sounds odd to me. Try to make it sound more definitive. Take out the you could tell. Hurt might be the wrong word choice but idk?
Although she was clearly hurt, she had to be strong for her kids.
That might not be right though.

(Paragraph) We just left a gym full of men (just men? or men and women?) who were going halfway across the world to defend our country and freedom.

Thats as far as I got. I wrote things how I would have written them after glancing over it. You use a lot of "theres" "coulds" "justs." They're unecessary. That would make it smoother. Buy that book (from top). Really.