Chuck Norris MEGATHREAD

[LAcrosseRUS]

The new craze in my school is cxhuck norris, there are chuck norrie shirts and pencils and lunch boxes etc. Jokes are nolonger funny in my school unless they have to do with chucknorris. Do you know any? This is my favorite



Chuck Norris can light an ant on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

[Lax1228]

Baffle your friends. http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

Seriously though, search. There's already a thread on this. Plus, Uncle Jesse is like 50 times sweeter than Chuck Norris. Give it up.

[exile lacrosse]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5108883972961000792&q=chuck+norris

that is AMAZING. i showed it to my hist teacher. she laughed. me and a friend talk about chuck norris in that class all the time.

chuck norris has counted to infinity. twice.

the chief export of chuck norris is pain

the h bomb was dropped on japan because it was more humane than sending in chuck norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven
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uncle jesse can do none of this. chuck norris would round house kick him in the face. yesterday.

[Lax1228]

Chuck Norris is pretty sweet, but Uncles Jesse could totally take him on. Here's some sweet UJ facts (check out #66):

1)Uncle Jesse invented Tetris.

2) Uncle Jesse has a hot wife on television AND in real life.

3) Uncle Jesse wears cowboy boots AND tight black jeans at the SAME TIME.

4) One time, Uncle Jesse pushed Joey Gladstone down the stairs...just to watch him fall!

5) Uncle Jesse beat up your father, and most of your uncles.

6) Uncle Jesse never bought his wife tampons (on television or in real life).

7) Uncle Jesse parties with David Hasselhoff all day, every day!

8) Uncle Jesse keeps his room at a toasty 78 degrees.

9) Uncle Jesse always got more Halloween candy than his brother.

10) Contrary to popular belief, Uncle Jesse and Danny Tanner were NOT friends.

11) Uncle Jesse hates Ovaltine.

12) Uncle Jesse has never had the flu.

13) Uncle Jesse enjoys Backgammon.

14) Uncle Jesse is the spokesperson for Nerf.

15) In 1992, Uncle Jesse was MVP on the Japanese "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" National

Championship Team. He was always the orange hippo.

16) Uncle Jesse once bowled a 374.

17) Uncle Jesse is a Republican.

18) Uncle Jesse despises Weezer. As a matter of fact, Weezer tried to get "The Rippers"

to tour with them, and Uncle Jesse gave them all atomic wedgies. ALL of them.

19) Uncle Jesse shops at Value City.

20) There are streets named after Uncle Jesse in 37 of the 50 states (Idaho is currently in

the process of approving legislation to be the 38th state).

21) Uncle Jesse invented peanut butter.

22) Uncle Jesse enjoys trading on eBay.

23) Uncle Jesse has never gotten a speeding ticket. In fact, Uncle Jesse issues speeding tickets to

police officers.

24) There are 23,456,765,789 blades of grass on Uncle Jesse's front lawn.

25) Uncle Jesse never rewinds video tapes he rents from Blockbuster. There is nothing they can do

about it.

26) Uncle Jesse has 20/20 vision.

27) Uncle Jesse's favorite dinosaur was Stegosaurus.

28) Uncle Jesse has not seen Star Wars. In fact, Uncle Jesse TP'ed George Lucas' house

29) Uncle Jesse hates Old Navy Commercials.

30) Uncle Jesse's P.O. Box # is 347.

31) Uncle Jesse loves Tootsie Pops.

32) Uncle Jesse hates DEVO.

33) Uncle Jesse did not invent Crystal Pepsi.

34) Uncle Jesse prefers Campbells soup over other brands.

35) Uncle Jesse has no problem eating bagged cereal.

36) Uncle Jesse never has to pay roaming charges.

37) Uncle Jesse's abs glow in the dark.

38) Uncle Jesse is the former mayor of Chooch, Nevada.

39) Uncle Jesse doesn't pay for the vowels he buys on "Wheel of Fortune," nor does he have to

phrase his answers in the form of questions on "Rock & Roll Jeopardy."

40) Uncle Jesse owns stock in TANG.

41) Uncle Jesse stole his teachers lunch money in 5th grade.

42) Uncle Jesse never gets pop-ups or spam while surfing Elvis websites.

43) Uncle Jesse took home a glowing piece of the Aggro-Crag on Nickelodeon GUTS. He beat out 10-year-old Brian "The Dodger" Rogers and 9-year-old Sean "Smiley" Riley.

44) Uncle Jesse wears wool mittens instead of gloves in the winter time.

45) Uncle Jesse is always regular.

46) Uncle Jesse always has the right of way at four-way stops.

47) "Dr. Pepper" was named after Uncle Jesse

48) Uncle Jesse hates Maxim magazine.

49) Uncle Jesse hates people who work in advertising, marketing, and skeleton cleaning.

50) Uncle Jesse killed Dawson's father on Dawson's Creek. Then, he shat in the creek.

51) Uncle Jesse has never had a concussion.

52) Uncle Jesse prefers Mr. Sketch markers to Crayola. His favorite color is "Uncle Jesse's Hair."

53) Uncle Jesse has a wireless mouse.

54) Uncle Jesse cut his coach from his high school football team.

55) There are 47 pandas named Uncle Jesse in the San Diego area.

56) Uncle Jesse puts his pants on two legs at a time.

57) Uncle Jesse can move out of home base without rolling a 6 in Pop-O-Matic Trouble.

58) Uncle Jesse owns the patent on Corey Feldman.

59) When Uncle Jesse wants Raspberry Lemonade...it comes.

60) Uncle Jesse's solar-powered calculator works at night.

61) Uncle Jesse has triple-sided tape.

62) Dust has to wait in line to collect on Uncle Jesse's things.

63) Uncle Jesse has an Xbox 720.

64) Uncle Jesse invented nougat.

65) Uncle Jesse translates into Hindu eight separate ways.

66) Uncle Jesse's hair can throw better roundhouse kicks than Chuck Norris.

67) Uncle Jesse is friends with Vigo the Carpathian. They play Street Fighter together.

68) Uncle Jesse won the Daytona 500 on a Segway.

69) Uncle Jesse has a key to your city.

70) When Uncle Jesse signs a lease, they have to pay him a security deposit.

Suck it.

[skip0l]

stupidest thing ever. chuck norris is about as cool as aids.